Biology Babblings
by skyegirl14
Summary: Warning: Randomness and Hilarity ensues. A bunch of encounters between Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Draco leave Ron believing he's Gollum, Draco bursting into song, Hermione slightly homicidal, and Harry twitching. My philosophy through this all – Randomness
1. And so it begins

**Disclaimer:** I know you've seen this a million times, but I have to do it anyway. I don't own Harry Potter or any Harry Potter-related things, such as a cauldron. That takes up too much room. I do, however, own the little sanity I have, of which I put none into this "story".

**Summary:** Warning: Randomness and Hilarity ensues. A bunch of encounters between Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Draco leave Ron believing he's Gollum, Draco bursting into song, Hermione slightly homicidal, and Harry twitching. My philosophy through this all – Randomness is the Mother of Delight.

**A/N:** This really isn't a story. It's just a bunch of random conversations my friend and I had while we were in Biology. In order to enjoy this, you need to have a strange sense of humor and be open to randomness. There are a few innuendos between some of the characters, but nothing extreme, and I'm not trying to offend anyone, so if I do, sorry. Feel free to write whatever you want in reviews, if you write them. Compliments will be unexpected and insults will be fun to read.

I don't really know where they are, so just make something up. It's mainly just Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Draco, but other characters randomly pop up every now and then. We also bring in some things from other movies, TV shows, etc. I'll try to keep track of them. **Oh, and** **any parts that are inside jokes that my friend and I have I will explain at the bottom.**

_For the few of you who were reading this a while ago, and were wondering what the hell happened to it…it was kicked off. Apparently you're not allowed to submit something in script form. Therefore, my friend Evelynn Michelle Malfoy has graciously decided to help put it into story form. Hope it's even more funerrific (yes, that is now legally a word)!_

**Chapter 1: Day 1**

"I had a dream about you yesterday, Potter," Draco Malfoy stated somewhat randomly.

Harry Potter twitched upon hearing this. "What about?" he inquired. Thinking about what this dream could have possibly been about he brightened and ventured a guess. "Was I painted with blue squiggles?

_ 'What?'_ Draco thought, clearly thinking the other boy was mad and belonged in St. Mungo's with Lovegood and his former professor. He decided to clarify things, "No…but you did have a lot of hair for some reason and were lying in Weasley's lap."

"Oh, well that's normal. Why couldn't I have blue squiggles?" Harry whined.

"Oh, thanks for the MENTAL IMAGES!" screamed Malfoy, much like a little girl would when confronted with a purple dinosaur.

"Stop screaming! I'm trying to study. Harry, stop scaring Malfoy," Hermione ordered, automatically assuming that everyone would obey, because, after all, she _did _know _everything! _

"I am _not_ scared," Draco pouted and began to brood in a way that only a Malfoy could.

'_Scared-y ferret' _Harry thought, smirking. He then decided to muddle the other boy's mind a bit. "Then he runs his fingers through my raven black hair, and…"

At this point in our tale, Ronald Weasley decided to join the fun. "OH MY GOD!" he bellowed and then immediately retched.

"Ron! Someone will hear you!" Hermione yelled. Anything that could have attracted the attention of a teacher was not alright in her book. Or worse! It could have gotten them thrown out! That would make them seem like delinquents! That would be bad. Very bad indeed.

"Oh, Weasley, Potter was just telling me about your secret love life. Sounds lemony. So, had any nasty dreams about Potter?" Draco smirked, waiting for the redhead to respond.

"Actually..." Ron began, but was cut off by Harry.

"Hermione, shut him up."

"What am I suppose to do? I'm just an annoying know it all. I saw you and Ron whispering about it yesterday," she accused, looking irritated and she also had a look on her face that clearly said 'nah na nah na na.'

"Are you sure they weren't just kissing?" Malfoy inquired, looking deeply interested.

Harry took a deep breath, "Feel the tension, push it away…"

"DEMENTED STAR!" Ron shouted, making his limbs move in all sorts of interesting positions with a look of deep concentration gracing his features.

"Shut up, Ron!" Harry screamed.

Draco began twitching, "What the hell?"

"Don't even ask," Hermione informed him, taking her all time favourite book _Hogwarts, A History _and hitting both boys over the head with it. Ron lurched forward and slammed his head into a desk on the way down. Needless to say he was unconscious.

"Ron?" Hermione questioned, she poked him in the middle of the forehead. She then decided, conscious or not, that she would scold him. "Ron, you're drooling on my book."

"Oh, look, he wears Chudley Canon boxers. How cute," Draco cooed.

"Ch...udley...Can...nons...rule..." Ron mumbled sleepily, before snoring once more.

"Oh, god," Hermione groaned.

Draco poked Ron none too gently. "Hey, I think Weasley stopped breathing."

"OH GOD!" Harry moaned. Ron twitched and then fell face first into Draco's lap.

"Hi, Harry," Ron opened his eyes and said sort of dazed.

"That means nothing!" Harry shouted defensively.

Draco began to twitch some more, "Ugh...ew..." he mumbled, "...ah..." His eyes rolled back and he fell off of the chair.

"What did he say?" asked Hermione, scolding herself because she had to ask one of these idiots a question. She knew _EVERYTHING! _

"I don't know," Harry responded, shaking his head slightly. At this point Ron slid off of the chair and somehow his arm landed across Draco's 'backside.'

"Harry! What if someone comes in and…?" Hermione began, scandalized. At this point, Snape walked in and froze. He stared at the scene before him and then slowly turned around and left, locking the door behind him.

"Right, that's settled then!" Harry then hugged Hermione.

"What are you doing!" Hermione asked, confused for once in her short existence.

Harry looked more confused than he usually does,_ "_I don't know..."

"Then put me down," Hermione stated calmly.

"Kay..." Harry shrugged and then promptly dropped her.

"OW! Harry!" Hermione shrieked and then jumped. "Draco!"

"Sorry…thought it was your hand," Draco mumbled. Hermione leapt up and clutched her bum glaring at him.

"You're such an ass," Harry stated, kicking the guilty party.

"Draco hands...hands of Draco! Ugh!" Hermione began twitching.

"I know...it's horrible," Harry agreed, but then stretched out his arms. "Hug?"

"NO! Ugh, I'm swearing off boys!" Hermione bleated, disgusted. At this point, Ron wakes up, steps on his robes, and reintroduces his face to the floor.

"Ow."

"Oh, my god," Hermione slapped her face into her hand.

Draco gasped, "You used the lord's name in vain! You're going to burn in hell!" He then paused, looked at his pointing finger, and slowly lowered his arm. "Sorry, momentary brain malfunction. Weasley, get your hand off of my arse!"

"What? Aagh! Diseases!" Ron began to flail about, knocking Hermione's ink all over her books in the process.He then gasped and pleaded, "Please don't jinx me..."

"Ron, I'll give you to the count of 5…1, 2, **5**!" Hermione shouted and then took off after the offending redhead.

"Whoa!" Draco whistled. "Look at her go!

"I'll kill you!" Hermione shrieked.

"Damn..." Harry said slowly.

"AAAAUUUUGGHHH!" Ron shouted.

"Run, Weasley, you long-legged freak!" Draco shouted, and then added as an afterthought. "I should have brought popcorn."

"IIIIEEEYY!" Hermione shrieked.

"Go, Xena!" shouted Draco.

"You're such an arse," Harry told the blonde boy.

"HELP! HELP!" Ron pleaded. "Uh...oh geez...uh...you look very pretty today."

Hermione took a deep breath and then smacked Ron. "Okay, I'm good."

"What the hell! I wanted to see him turned into a bloody pulp…or at least a pig!" Needless to say, Draco was very disappointed.

"That's it? I'm alive! Whee!" Ron squealed with glee.

"Shut up, Weasley."

* * *

HP: _deep breathe_ Feel the tension, push it away…

RW: DEMENTED STAR!

- My friend and I went to the United Kingdom over the summer on a student program, and while we were there, this group of people called Full On showed us some random games and exercises. One of them had movements and went like so:

"Big star, little star, Big star, little star

Feel the tension, push it away, etc…"

And every now and then one of them would randomly shout 'demented star' and twist in a funky shape. Yes, it was retarded, and I did not understand it, but I don't care.

And for those of you who watch _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, which I love, I did make a reference to the episode Something Blue.

"Draco hands…hands of Draco"


	2. Horrific Harmonies

Disclaimer: See first Chapter 1. Yes, I'm not writing it again, so bite me. Well, not really, cuz ya know…that hurts.

A/N: Well, if you've stuck around…congratulations! You are among those immune to our stupidity. Yay! Welcome to chapter 2. It hopes you enjoy it…and if you don't, don't say anything; it has esteem issues.

Warning: I showed my friend the musical episode of Buffy, and she became obsessed with it. I'm terribly sorry for this. I'm not really sure if this is warning-worthy or not, but…oh well. So no, I don't own Buffy either, or any other songs that are in this chapter. Also, I think from now on, Ron is kind of schizo…my friend likes crazy people. We have nothing against him…Ron is one of my favorite characters. It's just more fun when someone is completely out of their gourd.

Chapter 2: Day 2

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay!" Draco randomly burst out into song and spun around in little circles.

"Poof! Musical numbers! AHHH!" Ron screamed, covering his ears with the palms of his hands. Harry put his face into his hands and groaned.

"Ron, pull your pants up," Hermione ordered, shaking her head.

"What!" Draco screamed, horrified.

"Excuse me?" asked Ron, raising his eyebrows.

"All you have on are boxers," Hermione clarified.

"And I'm a poof?" Draco asked.

"Shut up, Malfoy. Why are my trousers off?" Ron asked, taking a deep breath. "All right, who couldn't keep their hands off my sexy arse... "Ron began to look around stupidly for the offending party.

"Ugh!" Draco shouted in annoyance.

"Hold on, were they gray?" Hermione inquired.

"What? My sexy arse?" Ron questioned.

Hermione sighed, clearly flustered. Why couldn't everyone be as intelligent as she was...wait a second...maybe not...then she wouldn't be all that intelligent...forget that last thought. "The pants, Ron, the pants."

"Yes…did you de-pant me? You dirty girl," Ron accused, suggestively. At this Harry stifled an explosion of laughter.

A thoughtful look graced Draco's features, "Is that what Crabbe and Goyle were sniffing when I left the common room?"

"That's what I was going to tell you," Hermione sighed. Ron sighed, swallowed, and started to leave.

"They can keep them…" He sighed and then began to shuffle away retardedly in only is boxers.

"I'm sure you wouldn't get them back anyway. Once they've tagged a boy and stolen his things they don't give them back," Draco informed the room, nodding his head in agreement with himself. Yes, he's strange.

"What?" Hermione gasped.

"Didn't you wonder why the Creevey boy never talks anymore?" Draco shrugged.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Harry asked somewhat angrily. He hated being left out of the loop. He was the Boy-Who-Lived! He was supposed to know about _everything_ that was even _remotely_ sinister in nature. Didn't everyone know that? Stupid people.

"You don't want to know. But we can never leave Ron alone with Crabbe and Goyle again," Hermione sighed.

"Oh, I'm sure they won't hurt him…I think," Draco stated, sounding somewhat unsure of himself. While he hung out with Crabbe and Goyle for a vast majority of his short life they were both unpredictable...well...actually...they were predictable, but only in the sense that one could predict them to be stupid. At this point Ron ran in clutching his butt.

"I think they're trying to rape me!" Ron screamed.

"Okay, maybe they will." Draco announced, trying to stifle his laughter with his hand. This was quite a feat to accomplish, for human hands are not known for their exceptional insulating skills. He should have used an elephant.

A while later

"Hey, Weasley, I think you're in luck. I saw Crabbe and Goyle chasing the Thomas by a few minutes ago," Draco strolled in, pointing toward what Ron figured was the location of the two massive boys.

"Why didn't you stop them!" Hermione shrieked.

"Oh, sure. I'll just walk in front of them and say 'stop chasing that poor boy, because I say so.' They'd probably come after me!" Draco rolled his eyes at the absurdity of the idea.

"They're **_your_** henchmen!" Ron pointed out.

"Actually, they prefer the term **_bodyguards_**. Henchmen is so 19th century."

"Whatever," Ron sighed. He then placed his hand regally on his chest and sung. "Am I lost in life's endeavor? I just want to be alive –" He stopped, looked confused, and mumbled an embarrassed apology.

Harry, completely ignorant of Ron's 'Broadway moment', stood up and started toward the door. "I better go help Dean. You know the saying 'once you go black…', and I think he's the only black guy here. They'll never leave him alone. Hope I'm not too late..." He then valiantly marches out of the room.

"Weasley, what the hell was that?" Draco questioned, removing his hands from his ears.

Harry suddenly pops his head inside the door, singing, "I've got a theory, that it's a demon..." He claps his hand over his mouth in horror. "Oh god."

"Don't ever do that again," Draco demanded, slapping his hand over his eye to stop it from twitching.

Hermione chooses that moment to join in the fun. "I'm under your spell..." However, thankfully, she was interrupted by Draco's hand, which had taken residence over her mouth.

"NO!"

"Mmph!"

"Come on, you could be Buffy, goldilocks..." Ron suggested, smiling wickedly.

"I figured myself Spike."

"You've seen Buffy?" Ron asked, shock evident, even through his mass o' freckles.

"No...of course not," Draco said, looking at Ron as though he as an idiot. Ron somehow managed to look even more confused and sat down slowly next to Hermione.

"God how can this be? Playing with my..." Hermione continued her crooning.

"For the love of all things holy, gag her!" Draco shouted in annoyance.

Harry pulled a Malfoy-smirk. "Ooh…kinky. I say we both hold her down and—" Hermione sends him a death glare. "I was just kidding…Merlin…"

"Do you want me to hit you?"

"Back away slowly and quietly, and maybe she won't see us leave. She's dangerous, angry, and PMS-ing I'd presume," Draco said slowly, backing away from the girl with his hands in a protective position.

"Malfoy!" Hermione shrieked, disgusted.

Draco grabbed a nearby chair and held it in front of him. "She's trying to kill me!"

"Damn straight!"

Draco then proceeds to sing, "I died so many years ago..."

"You did?" Ron questioned idiotically. Harry pulled the raging Hermione away from Draco as the door busted open. Crabbe and Goyle stumbled through in a manner not unlike that of a drunken hippo.

"DrAcO! PrOfFeSoR SnApE StArTeD SiNgInG In PoTiOnS!" Goyle bellowed unnecessarily.

"Keep your hands, or any other appendages, away from my arse!" Ron shouted, immediately gripping the sides of his chair.

Goyle gave him a blank look. "K."

"Goyle, go the hell away! Join Snape and sing your cumbayayas," Draco waved at him dismissively.

Another vacant stare. "K."

Draco sighed in exasperation. "I really need to get some new lackeys...Are you going to leave?"

"Oh, YeAh." Goyle turned around and slammed into Crabbe. They then galumphed (I love that word) into the hallway.

At this point a completely random, completely mad girl came running into the room. The group all stared at her due to her disruption and the fact that none had seen her before. She also seemed to be talking to herself and had a look in her eyes that seemed like she wasn't completely there.

The random girl mutters to herself and glances up. "Have any of you heard of anime…or perhaps…hentai!" she shrieked.

"I love that stuff!" Draco exclaimed brightly, thinking about it and smirking as if Christmas had come early.

"I'm sure you do," Hermione said, matter-of-factly. To say she was surprised would have been a lie. Boys were such perverts and she did know _everything! _The completely random girl just ran out of the room. They all continued what they were doing as if she hadn't appeared at all.

"They call me sweet Buttercup, dear little Buttercup, though I could never tell why," Draco began to sing. Upon realizing what he was doing he abruptly ceased. "DAMN IT!"

"Buttercup?" Hermione arched an eyebrow.

"Shut up!" Draco whined in a bratty voice. Then he began singing again. "I'm and asshole! O-E-O-E-O!" He stopped again. "What the hell!"

Hermione collapsed in a heap of laughter on the floor.

* * *

I'm sorry for all the Buffy references for those of you who don't watch it, but we couldn't help it. Obviously our minds are not in control here. 

BTW: The random girl was another one of my friends. I gave her this little book to read and she decided to put something in. And if you don't know, anime are Japanese cartoons, and hentai are the ones that are perverted.

And as for Crabbe and Goyle's writing, I decided to make them 'challenged'. So live with it. And the K's? In my little orange book, they were backwards, so it had a more retarded affect to it. Alas, Microsoft Word does not allow such trivial things as misplaced letters. (However, if anyone knows if and how it is possible, it would much appreciated if you would inform me of such revelations.)

BTW-2: Please, please, _please_ review if you read this. Even if you thought it was stupid. I don't care. I just want to know if there are any other people in the world who understand my logic. That and it makes me happy when people from outside of my little bubble make contact with me.


	3. What the hell?

Disclaimer: It's in the first chapter. I'm not writing it again. HA!

Warning: Yeah, you know the warning I gave in the previous chapter about Ron's personality issues? Well, they've been horribly exaggerated. In this chapter, my friend decided to turn him into Golem from Lord of the Rings, who we don't own, yet again. I know it's bizarre, but seriously, if you try to picture what's going on, it might work. All of our friends about pissed (can I say that?) themselves, but they possibly have the same mental deficiencies as we do.

A/N: I suppose I forgot to mention in the first chapter that my friend and I each do two of the main characters, if you wanted to know. I write for Draco and Hermione, and Alex writes for Ron and Harry. Anyway…quickly, to the story…AWAY! (yeah, sorry, I'm slightly sick and delusional right now)

Chapter 3: Day 3

"I'm so glad we stopped singing finally. It was starting to melt my ears," Hermione sighed in relief. After a few hours, she had of course found the solution to what they had deemed "Hogwarts' Broadway Nightmare". After all, she knew _everything_.

"Yeah. Seeing Crabbe and Goyle do the rumba is going to give me nightmares for weeks," Draco shivered in revulsion of the memory.

"But it was great when Binns burst into song about the troll wars," Harry chimed in.

"That was the best History of Magic class we've ever had!" Ron agrees enthusiastically.

"I'm just glad Hagrid didn't start singing. I would have cut my ears off." Draco stated in a voice that could have been construed as thankful, if it hadn't been said in his bratty 'my daddy gives me everything' tone.

Hermione glared at him. "Oh, don't be so dramatic! I'm sure Hagrid has a lovely singing voice. Right, Harry? Ron?" She looked at the two boys expectantly. When no answer was forthcoming she reiterated herself in a shrill tone, "Right!"

"Right!" Harry agreed immediately, nodding his head.

"Sure. Lovely voice. Heard him myself." Ron added quickly, suddenly finding the wall immensely interesting.

"Yeah, that's convincing." Draco said, raising an eyebrow at them.

Suddenly Dumbledore burst through the door looking a bit jittery. He frantically glanced around the room before settling on the students. He then proceeded to shout, "DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN!"

Draco raised an eyebrow at him, "What the hell?" Hermione apparently echoed his feelings, because she was staring at Dumbledore in horror.

Ron, however, was again completely oblivious that anything was wrong. "The Muffin Man?" He asked.

"The Muffin Man!" Dumbledore shouted excitedly.

"Who lives on Drury Lane?" Draco joined in.

"Ron! Malfoy!" Hermione shouted in exasperation.

"Sorry," Ron mumbled as his skin merged in with his hair.

"It looked fun," Draco shrugged. Disappointed in their lack of participation, Dumbledore slumped out of the room. They all stood in silent confusion for a while, until Draco disrupted the peace.

"So…who's the Muffin Man?"

"It's ME!" Ron screeched, laughing insanely.

"So…can I have a muffin?"

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Hermione groaned in agitation, head in hands.

Harry stared at Ron sadly. "He ate them all…and the little gingerbread man, despite his horrible cries for mercy…" His lip started to quiver.

Ron cackled maniacally. He then twitched violently as his eyes madly darted around the room.

Hermione stared at him through narrowed eyes before reaching a conclusion. "Did you two get into the potions ingredients again?"

Draco smirked. "I think they just finally decided to drop their façade of intelligence."

Harry continued his sad eulogy for the pastries. "He kept screaming. Ron tore him apart slowly, piece by piece…the screaming…"

"You'll never get me, pixie!" Ron screeched. He then bit Draco and ran across the room.

"Ow," Draco said, rubbing his butt. "Great, now I have to get the tranquilizer darts."

"WHAT!" Hermione shrieked in alarm.

"He's going to give everyone rabies! I can feel my butt tingling."

"Oh my god," Hermione rolled her eyes.

Ron's eyes widened and he ran over to Draco. "No darts! No darts, pixie-stick man! Nice blondie, nice, don't hurt us…no…" He began to stroke Draco's arm.

"Look! I found crumbs of the poor little guy…" Harry ranted, sobbing. "…he had so much to live for."

"It was a cookie, Harry," Hermione stated bluntly.

"Help me! He's in my bubble! Stop! Hey! Don't touch that!" Draco shouted with a horrified expression. He desperately tried to shove Ron away from him, but to no avail.

"Nice precious…nice…do you have my precious! I like candy…" Ron then gave Harry an evil look,"…and gingerbread!"

Draco was slightly startled, and toppled over a nearby desk, taking Ron with him. "Shit!"

"Oooo, ouch," Hermione cringed. She could feel their pain. It came from knowing everything...and hanging out with Harry for so long. Pain when others felt it. Damn inconvenient. Draco began to scramble away, towards any exit, when Ron began to pursue him and then attacked him.

"My own…my love…my…Bobo!" At hearing Ron say this, Draco convulses whilst Ron continued. He laid protectively over Draco and gave pointed territorial glares at both Hermione and Harry before snapping, "My Bobo!"

"No more muffins for you...EVER!" Harry exclaimed wildly. Sure, it was funny at first but now it was becoming down right creepy.

Draco began to break down, sobbing (in a very Malfoy-like way, of course). "He's going to kill me...or possibly eat me. Help!"

Hermione began to tug on Ron's robes trying to get him off of the frantic Malfoy. "Ron, stop it! You're drooling, and it's rather disturbing." Ron was pulled off of Draco, but still had a part of his sleeve. "There."

"_There_!" Draco exclaimed in outrage. "He ripped my robes!"

* * *

Yeah, this one's a little weirder than the rest of them…sorry, or you're welcome, depending on how you feel about this sort of thing. Well, this actually does continue, but I'm just making each chapter about 3 or 4 pages, so I've split it up. I'll try to put the other one up quickly, though.

And if you're wondering about the Muffin Man thing, another one of my friends snatched the book and decided to add a sugar-high Dumbledore. We just decided to go with it.

Again, please review. It makes me extremely happy and the happier I am…well, I'll just be happier, won't I? There's not really any incentive for you, but don't you like it when you can make someone else's life better? Nod and smile, and push the little purple button.


	4. lleh eht tahW

Chapter 3b (or chapter 4, depending how you look at it): Day 3 (continued)

Ron broke free of Hermione's weak hold and rampaged toward Draco.

"AAGH! Help me! Get it away! Get it away!" Draco shouted in panic, stumbling backward. He made sure to avoid any potentially offending furniture which could lead to his demise.

"Let's have a riddle for the precious! What does it say, precious? Will it riddle with us?" Ron stared at Draco with a deranged look in his eye. Have you ever seen a starving man whose spoon is far too large? I haven't, but I image that he would be quite deranged.

Draco twitched in confusion. "What? Um...no?" he answered weakly.

"Why not the precious riddle with us!" Ron started flailing his arms about wildly. "Pixie-boy will riddle with us, precious!" He then calmed and continued in a whisper. "Yes, he will."

Harry was doing his best to completely ignore the noisy scene in front of him. He simply stared blankly at his homework, which was just as unproductive. He didn't even bother to look at them as he said, "Just do it, Malfoy…It's the only way to shut him up."

If a glare could kill...well, Harry would have at least been sleepy. Draco just wasn't that threatening. He was simply too girly with his pretty hair and all. "Fine. What's red with spots of brown, black, and blue?" He smirked.

Ron's eyes widened angrily. "Why threaten us! Not fair! Not fair! I have a riddle for pixie…uhhh…what's in…my pocket!"

Draco stared at him in confusion and hesitantly ventured a guess. "Lint? Wait, no…yes…no, yes. Lint."

"You're such a prat," Harry commented, still diligently staring at his homework. It made Hermione proud. _Finally!_ She was rubbing off on someone!

Ron seemed to be deliberating an answer. It looked rather painful. He took and deep breath and, "...no."

"Bullocks! A...bag of jelly beans!" Draco risked another deduction.

"Bulge not jelly beans."

Draco twitched. A look of disgust appeared on the face. "Gah. Hell no! That's just wrong! You sicko! Ugh!"

"That's not what's in my pocket! Just my sexy…" Ron cut off, looking suddenly woozy. He promptly proceeded to fall asleep on top of Draco, much to the blonde's dismay.

Harry finally looked up and nodded to himself, "Sugar'll do that to you." He sniffled pathetically. "Poor gingerbread man."

"Again with the hand on my butt. Geroff!" Draco shoved Ron's arm away.

Hermione apparently found this shockingly hilarious, as she collapsed on the ground in a helpless heap of laughter. That should be a candy bar! The Helpless Heap of Laughter Bar...brings joy with every bite. Have a chew...watch your enemy piss himself. That would be awesome! Okay, I'm done.

"Ron and Draco…S-N-O-G-G-I-N-G…first comes…then comes…" Harry muttered under his breath.

Draco glared at him over Ron's head. "I **will** kill you, you know. Once I can get up."

"I'm sure you will…schnookums," Harry snorted at the hilarity of his own wittiness. His comeback, of course, had to have been brilliant. After all, Gryffindors _are_ known for their cleverne...shhh, just smile and nod. However, as he was also the Boy-Who-Lived, he was to be inevitably faced with the battle of his life. As it so happened, Ron chose that moment to grunt loudly and roll off of Draco.

With Hermione laughing helplessly and not able to do anything, Draco leapt fifty feet in the air before propelling himself at the raven-haired boy. Fire sprung from his limbs and Harry had to make a mad dash to avoid the falling flames. Morphing into a dragon of enormous proportions, Draco swallowed Harry whole, leaving nothing but his smoking glasses behind. DUN DU…oh yeah, Ron. Ron...uhh...he...Ron drooled...yes. DUN DUN DUN! Ok, fine, not really. But it would have been hella cool. Dragons kick ass. Okay, on to the actual story, I suppose. (Draco was just freed)

Harry looked nervously at the blonde as he slowly arose. "Hey, mate…uhh…bollocks."

Draco tackled Harry and starts pummeling him with a pillow...which he apparently had in his robe...just continue. "If you **ever** mention **any** of this to **anyone** else in school, I'll beat you over the head with a broomstick...and if you tell anyone what I just said, I will still beat over the head with a broomstick!" He abruptly calms and _smiles_ _sweetly_. Just try to imagine it...really. "All right?"

"Isn't that a little harsh?" Harry asked weakly. The broomstick is the one that should actually be pitied in that particular situation. I mean, _honestly! _With Harry's abnormally thick skull, the actually bound to break something made out of wood.

"A vague admonition is no one's friend," Draco replied sagely.

Still laughing her ass off (can one actually disconnect one's ass from oneself by laughing?) Hermione had managed to vibrate her way over to the fireplace. I'm not sure if you're aware of this fact, but her hair is very large…abnormally so. Probably to hide the actuality that her head had been misshapen by her oversized brain. Therefore, the forthcoming event promised to be extremely entertaining.

"Does something smell funny to you?" Hermione questioned. Apparently she had finished laughing.

The corner of Draco's mouth twitched upward. "Uhh…Granger?"

Realizing that her head was exceptionally warmer than usual she gasped, shrieked, "MY HAIR!" and started running about the room like a monkey on crack. In her state of alarm, she had forgotten that she knew _everything, _therefore needed no one's help, and screeched, "Harry, put it out! Put it out!"

Draco burst into a fit of laughter, crumpling to the floor next to Ron. "Whenever I need a Patronus—this will most definitely be my happy memory!"

Draco's raucous laughter managed to penetrate Ron's thick head and he slowly sat up. As he stood, he scanned the pandemonium surrounding him in confusion. "You guys are so bizarre. It's like I'm the only normal one..."

"You're normal! What happened to the psycho/precious thing? You ripped my robe apart when you tackled me! You belong in St. Mungo's!" Draco shouted, disbelief cutting off his laughter.

"Wha'? Mate, you seriously need to lay off on the cough syrup. I'm worried about you…" Ron eyed him strangely. Meanwhile, Hermione, who was now covered in some sort of clear liquid, was glowering at Harry.

"Harry! What did you dump on me!" she shrieked. She seemed to shriek a lot. She was beginning to sound like a banshee. A banshee who knew everything, of course, but a banshee none the less.

"Saliva. Why?" he asked with a vacant look.

"What! From where!"

Harry bit his lip in contemplation. "I don't know…"

"Harry! Did you give me gingerbread? You know it messes with me!" Ron suddenly burst. Ron's outburst took some of the attention off of Hermione's hair. Randomness does tend to make people think 'wtf?' as opposed to the matter at hand.

"NO...Maybe…Yes," Harry finished sheepishly.

"This whole thing was your fault!" Draco rounded on him.

Harry started stuttering out his answer as he backed away from the raging blonde. "Well, I…um, yes…no…yes…definitely yes." He then glared at Ron and continued angrily, "But the little wanker was making fun of my hair! He had to die…"

Draco gave him a startled look and stopped his advance. "…whoa."

"Harry, you're not allowed to turn psycho too," Hermione glared at him in annoyance, still trying to squeeze the saliva out of her hair. It seemed that everyone had problems with their hair.

Harry calmed and looked dejectedly at the floor. "Fine." She then heard him mumble, "Ron gets to have all the fun."

"I still don't know what the bloody hell is going on!" Ron barked, flinging his arms in the air. Haha...I now have the wonderful image of Ron on all fours with a tail sprouting from his pants. To alleviate this, I'm going to say he bellowed instead. It's brilliant.

There was an evil glint in Draco's eye. "Well, you painted yourself blue, ran onto the Quidditch pitch in the middle of a game, in nothing but your knickers, and did the hokey pokey while singing an operatic version of 'Old McDonald'. Then, Avery was sympathetic enough to hit you in the head with a bludger. You've been out for a month, so you have a ton of homework to make up, and if you don't finish it within the next day, you will have to repeat the year."

"Oh my God!" Ron promptly fainted…again. This is getting to be pattern with him...he must have circulation issues in his brain. It certainly would explain a lot.

"You're such a jerk," Harry said.

Hermione added her own opinion of the blonde by smacking him in the back of the head. She believed...she _knew_ that Harry was being a hypocrite. Harry was, in fact, a jerk himself. He was the perpetrator who had fed Ron the gingerbread and had sat there all afternoon sobbing over its death. The whole thing was slightly disturbing and made Hermione _know_ that Harry had some issues. He probably associated the gingerbread with the Dursleys. One of those, you don't miss it until its gone sort of deals. Contrary to the books, the Dursleys do love Harry and treat him just like a son...HA! Sure...that was sarcasm by the way...Back to the tale! "Idiot."

"Ow." Draco rubbed the back of his head with a grimace. "Why don't you just study with your precious books, Granger?"

"Hmph!" She slammed her book onto the table and sat down, pointedly glaring at him all the while.

As they sat in silence, Draco slowly became more bored and decided to have some fun. "Now…what did Peeves say were the ingredients for a stink bomb? Potassium permanganate…"

Ron suddenly sprung up, bit Draco's ankle, and shouted, "No bombs! Too many at home! Fred…George…" before falling asleep once more.

"Ow!" He started hopping around, clutching his ankle. "I'm going to get rabies, I swear it! I'll die! I'm too pretty to die! It will cause mass suicides of teenagers around the world!"

"Oh my bloody god…ego much?" Hermione sighed in exasperation.

"Shut up, you mutant! I curse you and your hideousness. You should be killed, so you can't ever spawn!" he shouted at her. He then leaned against a desk and started poking at his ankle.

"Malfoy!" Harry glared at him warningly.

"You too."

"Hermione, don't you think I'm the most handsome boy in school?" Harry looked at his bushy-haired friend questioningly.

Draco's foot slammed down and he stared at them in horror. "Hey!"

"Of course, Harry," Hermione answered distractedly.

"What demented school are you thinking about?" Draco demanded, eyebrow quirked.

He didn't receive an answer, however, for Hermione had discovered that Ron's robe acted as a wonderful absorber (is that a word?) for the saliva still clinging to her. And of course Ron, being unconscious, could not exactly object to being covered in other's bodily excretions.

* * *

Well, there's the ending of the 'psycho Ron' saga…for now, I think. I think it's safe for at least the next few chapters. I'm not really sure, however, for I have not read ahead and do not remember everything written. 

And for those of you who read Cassandra Claire's fanfictions (om Schnoogle) Idid kind of borrow the quote "If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel, and if you tell anyone I just said that, I will still beat you to death with a shovel." And if you haven't read her fictions...you should most definitely read her Draco series...Cassandra Claire is a genius.

BTW: I would just like to inform you that this program does not allow me as many luxuries as I would like (As you might have read earlier about the backwards K). And just so you can picture what I had in my head…which is extremely difficult to explain, for my thoughts are sometimes frightening…while Hermione's hair was on fire, I actually drew a little thought bubble for Draco of a stick-figure Hermione flailing around with her head in flames. I only included this part because I don't really like Hermione all that much. My friend Amanda turned me off of her, I think. I believe this would also be the first thing that came to my mind if I ever needed a Patronus.

Also, I don't really know how to make a stink bomb...potassium permanganate was simply the first chemical compound that came to mind.

I hope you enjoyed it, and please review. Reviews are what let me survive my endless hours at school. And thank you to those of you who have reviewed. It makes me feel special. And thank you to those few...two who have reviewed.

Jackie G: I do hope you see the musical episode...it's awesome.

Autumn92685039: I wish I could have been there to see it! It would have made my day!


	5. He's Like an Energizer Bunny

Disclaimer: I'm just gonna stop putting this thing here. It obviously distracts you from my actual genius…yeah, just let me wallow in my stupidity.

A/N: I believe Ron/Gollum returns in this chapter, however, it is a completely different storyline. We did have another chapter before this one, but it was extremely short and kind of lame, so I've removed it. If you request it, I might put it and other short entries at the end, but if you say nothing, I will not. Verbalize currently or evermore grasp your slice.

Chapter 4: Day 4

"Where are we?" Harry asked looking around the strange room.

"Doesn't it seem like paradise?" Ron wondered in awe. Draco raised an eyebrow at him.

Harry, still looking around, asks, "Where are the hot women?"

"Well, Granger certainly doesn't count." Do I really need to tell you said this?

"Hey!"

"Stop raping our conversation with your thoughts of filth!" Ron shouted, chucking a quill at him. As it was a quill, however, it flew a grand total of two feet before floating to the ground.

Draco again raised an eyebrow at him in amusement. "Geez, Weasley...at least learn to kill me properly. When you finally snap, I don't want to be murdered by a pigeon."

Harry gave him a strange look and proceeded with the previous conversation, "Anyway – I think I see a palm tree…"

"I think you're both hallucinating," Hermione said, shaking her head.

"Just because you don't have the gift…" Ron whispered with a twitch.

Draco's eyes widened, "What the…?"

"Don't even try to understand him. You'll only hurt yourself," Hermione nodded sagely.

"At least get him off my leg," Draco complained.

"Watch out!" Harry shouted, pointing at Ron. The redheaded boy lunged forward and bit Draco's calf, causing him to jerk in surprise.

"Aagh! Get the hell off me, you schitzo! Ow! Stop it!"

Harry ran over and starting pulling at Ron's robe. "Hermione! You didn't give him any more gingerbread, did you!" Ron turns and snaps at Harry's fingers. "Ow."

"No! Why me!" Hermione shouted defensively. Why would she have given him gingerbread? She saw what happened last time...she wasn't stupid. Didn't Harry know that she knew _everything_!

"I gets the cookie when I make the eyes," Ron stared derangedly (not a word, don't care) at Harry.

Draco groaned in annoyance and glared at Harry. "Not again. If this is your fault for a second time, Potter, I'll kill you."

"No! It was Hermione!"

"No, it wasn't!"

"It _was_ you, wasn't it, Potter? I know it was you! You want him to eat me, don't you!" Draco shouted in accusation.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh, shut up. Hey, wait! Hermione, didn't we see him near the kitchens earlier?"

"Yes! Dobby! Dobby, come here!" Although she was annoyed that _Harry_ had thought of that first, they had a bigger problem at the moment than her _momentary_ stupidity.

Dobby appeared with a _crack_. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

"You! You gave Weasley gingerbread, you stupid pink bat!" Draco raved at the small creature.

"Malfoy!" Hermione glared at him.

Ron ran over and dropped in front of Dobby, searching the area around him. "More cookie, Gingerbread Elf? Pixie-man be angry with us…"

"What be wrong with Master Weasley?" Dobby squeaked.

"You poisoned his mind, you useless sack of dragon dung! No wonder father got rid of you…!" Draco pointed an accusing finger at him. If you need to be precise, it was an index finger. I think the index finger should be called the accusing finger, because index makes me think of the rectangular pieces of cardboard I used to study my math with in elementary school. I refuse to be made to think of math every time I point at something.

A loud 'bang' sounded in the room and Draco was thrown into a wall. "You might not want to insult him," Hermione smirked at him. She might as well not have said it, but she took great pleasure in pointing out other's stupidity.

"Yeah, thanks for the warning," Draco mumbled as he slowly stood.

"Mister Malfoy not be rude to Dobby anymore!"

Draco sighed. "Yeah, sure, fine. Could you at least fix Weasley? My offer of shooting him with a tranquilizer still stands." He looked at the others hopefully.

"No! No darts!" Ron twitched and backed away from him. Harry pounced on him as he rushed for the door.

LATER (it's my fic, I can do what I want...and I couldn't think of what to put here)

"Hey, I think he finally calmed down," Draco said, watching Ron intently.

Harry glanced at him as he hid something behind his back. "What's that?"

"What's what?"

"No...dar..." Ron mumbled sleepily.

Draco kicked the redhead in annoyance. "Bad dream."

Harry gave him a strange look, but lost his train of thought as he often did. "Okay." He sat down at the nearest table and opened one of his books. Yes, he actually had books, and Satan would now be ice skating to work. "I have a question about next week's Charms quiz..."

Ron suddenly twitched and rolled onto his side with a grunt. Hermione noticed something small sticking out of his neck and narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "What's that in his neck?"

Draco quickly grabbed the offending object and hurled it across the room. It crashed into a jar and the contents burst out, spilling across the floor.

"I'm not cleaning that up, you know," Harry announced as he stared distastefully at the eyes rolling around.

Hermione knelt down next to Ron and turned to Draco. "Did you POISON him!"

"I didn't do anything!" he shouted back defensively.

Harry, who was again completely oblivious to the larger problem at hand, was still staring at the eyes as they settled. "Those are expensive too..."

Hermione gave him a confused look, and then grimaced as she saw what he was blabbering on about. "Harry, no one cares right now."

"I CARE!" he retorted with a hurt look. Hermione rolled her eyes at his glaring idiocy.

"Uhh...his skin is turning purple. Is that bad?" Draco asked as he prodded Ron's nose. This was apparently not a very smart thing to do, as it caused Ron to expel his last meal all over Draco's shoes.

"I'm not cleaning that up either," Harry declared yet again as his attention was finally drawn away from the eyes.

"Shit! Stupid..." Draco jumped up and kicked his shoes off.

* * *

Sorry it took so long to get this one up...we've been moving into a new house, and I haven't had internet for a while. It's been absolutely KILLING me! But, I am back online, as you can see, seeing as you are reading the newest addition to my strange little story here. HUZZAH!

And if you're wondering about the "Verbalize currently or evermore grasp your slice", I'm just lame and I like synonyms. "Speak now or forever hold your peace". I realize that slice isn't an exact synonym for peace, but I like homonyms too. Peacepiece...slice. I think it's a homonym...or homophone...? Yeah, I think it's a homophone. You don't care though...why am I telling you this?

Oh, and the next one might take a while also...my AP test is coming up, and I'm going to be spending a LOT of time studying for it. I swear I'll try to work on this as often as I can though.

I am also aware of the fact that this one ended kinda abruptly and semi-lamely. I think our hour of science class simply ran out and we generally try to start a new story everyday, or at least continue at a different point in time. Yeah, this really isn't important. I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible.


	6. The Day After

**A/N:** HEY! I don't think this one will have "Gollum" in it in any way, shape, or form! Yay! To tell you the truth, I really didn't like those parts, because I really like Ron, but my friend really liked Gollum and she wrote for Ron, so whatever. They were hysterical when our science teacher was boring us to tears with pictures of worms coming out of people in multiple places. Yeah, now I have disturbing memories that I had worked so hard to repress. Well, now that you are thoroughly troubled, on with the story. (This entry was kinda short and boring, so I've taken the liberty of adding a bunch of stuff to just about everyone's dialogue. I think my friend was in a bad mood that day, so Harry's bipolar too. I tried to give him some humorous parts.)

**Chapter 5: Day 5:**

"I still can't believe you tried to kill me...my neck _still_ hurts," Ron complained, casting a heated glare in Draco's general direction. Draco secretly hoped that it was directed at the chalkboard behind him, because if looks could kill he'd be on the floor twitching, erm, the chalkboard would.

"I didn't know Peeves put a hallucinogen in it. I thought it was just a sedative. It was funny when you thought Snape was Santa Clause, though," Draco replied with a smirk, quickly overcoming his fear of twitching. Not that _he _feared twitching, no, he feared for the chalkboard's safety. Yeah.

Harry stifled a burst of laughter. "I think he about pissed himself when you landed in his lap and screamed about his lack of facial hair."

Ron groaned. "Bloody...hey, wait…is he going to get me something? What did I ask for?" He looked at the others with wide eyes. God only knew what Snape would choose to give one of his _favorite_ students…You can't properly express sarcasm through writing...it vexes me so. I personally believe that Snape would get Ron fluffy, pink, bunny slippers, because we all know about Severus's fetish.

Hermione grimaced. "You don't really want Cockroach Clusters and socks, do you?"

"But I want something!" Ron complained, sounding very much like a spoilt little blond boy, who happened to be in the room at that very moment.

"I can get you a shrunken head," Draco said with a smile. Ah, the Christmases of old where torture devices were a common occurrence...enough reminiscing for now.

Hermione threw a disgusted look his way. "Eew..." she mumbled with a shiver of revulsion. Shrunken heads were _not _at all popular in her family. They enjoyed the blissful, traditional holidays with sugar-free candy canes, as her parents _were_ dentists.

Harry stared in horror at the blonde boy. "Hey, did you just smile? Is the world ending?" He flung his right fist over his heart and flung the other hand into the air. "Must I go forth into battle, wand held high, robes whipping in the wind, marching bravely forward to face my dea..."

Draco slapped his hand over Harry's mouth, "Shut up, you great prat. And if you say _anything_ about that to _anyone_, I will kill you." He removed his hand wiped it on his robe with a scowl.

"Why do you have to be so..._mean_!" Harry wailed and scooted toward Hermione. "Whatever I do…It's always wrong…" He began to bawl hysterically into Hermione's sleeve.

Draco simply stared at him as though he was insane. "Right..."

Hermione rolled her eyes and pried the sobbing boy from her arm. "Harry, would you stop doing that? And Malfoy, if you smiled more often, you'd probably have more friends."

"Who said I wanted friends? They're useless. And I'm not giving you the head any longer, Weasley."

Ron gaped at him. "What! But I didn't do anything!"

Harry pouted and stared at Hermione. "Why don't you love me?"

"Every one of you has serious problems," Draco said turning to Harry. "Potter, she doesn't love you because you say things like 'must I go forth into battle'...you have an eyeball in your hair."

"Oh...WHAT!" Harry made a mad dash for the mirror on the wall opposite him. Of course, being Harry, he somehow managed to slip in the puddle of eye goop, land flat on his arse, and skid headfirst across the floor into the aforementioned wall. You can assume that this knocked him unconscious, but no one's really sure how thick his head truly is.

Slowly moving away from the one-man disaster area, Ron turned to Draco. "Kay...do I still get my shrunken head?"

Draco sighed resignedly, and reached his hand into his pocket. "His name's Willy. I think he's good luck…maybe. Merry Christmas."

"Wicked!" Ron snatched the tiny deformed head from him. I will leave it to you to imagine its appearance…if I try to describe it, I will have strange thoughts of floating heads following me for the next few days. And seeing as floating heads may be ever so slightly distracting, I may run into someone with far too many cranial accessories...and they frighten me. And now that you have insight into my mind, you may continue...

"Why did you have that in your pocket?" Hermione asked with a suspicious glance toward the head. Silence. Insert crickets chirping here.

Days Later

"So, how's Willy doin' ya?" Draco asked Ron, who had the head attached to a string around his neck.

Ron grinned as Pansy Parkinson saw the hideous thing and turned in the opposite direction. "Brilliantly. He bit me though."

"Anything good happen? You get shagged?"

"No, he didn't shag me..." Ron tilted his head in confusion. At least, he didn't remember getting shagged ever...there was that time in forth year with all of the butterbeer, but he couldn't remember anything, and he didn't feel any different. Nope. Ronald Weasley had never been shagged. Suddenly, Ron felt very lame.

"I don't think that's what he..." Harry, sans goop, started.

"He's only a head for God's sake..." Ron continued. He waved the head for emphasis, hitting himself on the nose. He needed to get the point across. Well, first off he didn't understand how a head could possibly shag him, but maybe if he stressed that he hadn't been shagged, some one in this wide, wizarding world would take pity on him and shag him. Shag is such a fun word...shag...shag...shag...shag...'kay, I'm finished now. You may progress onward in your death-defying journey of the reading of the fiction of Harry Potter.

"That scenario is disturbing on so many levels..." Draco grumbled in disgust. Ron looked wounded. Malfoy had probably been shagged. _He'd_ probably been shagged by the shrunken head. Ron examined it closely...if that was even possible.

Hermione looked at it in consideration. "It does have a mouth..." she said before she could stop herself. She quickly slapped a hand over her mouth and dropped into a chair, burying her burning face in one of her books. How could they honestly expect her not to know of these things? After all, she did know _everything._ Everything tended to include things that were sexual in nature.

"Granger!" Draco looked at her in surprised approval. "Ha! Granger's got kinky secrets! You wouldn't happen to go to that brothel in Knockturn Alley, would you?"

Harry looked at him strangely. "Brothel? You're father's idea of a family outing is disturbing..."

"You don't do anything there, do you?" Ron asked.

Draco frowned. "Why would I want to do anything with my father? That's disgusting, Weasley!"

"I meant just at the brothel...other people..."

"Oh...no, that's gross. Too many of those people have diseases. You can practically see the bugs..."

Hermione's head slammed onto the desk. "Could you stop now?"

* * *

No Gollom! Huzzah! A whole chapter without him! Alright, even after both I and my friend Evelynn Michelle Malfoy, who I thank, added to this chapter, it was still kinda short. I do apologize, but I will try to get the next one up soon if it's short too. Either that, or I'll try to find a good long one...whatever.

I also realize that I have not thanked those of you who have taken the time to write me reviews. So I shall do that now, for I feel ashamed that I have not done so previously. Therefore, my thanks to everyone who has gone forth in glory and pushed the little. purple. button…that didn't really make much sense, but I care not. I don't make sense. That's why I like me.

I had a strange dream last week...I lost myself in the park and thought I'd never see me again. That ever happen to anyone else? It happened to me. Strange sensation, that is.

Oh! Have you ever sprained your tongue? Anyone? Cuz I'm the only person I know that has done it multiple times, usually when eating peanut butter…very annoying and painful. My mom says I'm simply abnormal, which I have no problem admitting to, but I would really like to know if I'm the only one that's ever done it…I feel alone in my world o weird.


	7. Damned Fairies

**A/N:** Sorry it's been taking me so long to get these out lately, but I was spending ever iota of spare time to study for my AP test, and I was kinda panicked about everything. But now it's over! Huzzah! However, here is the next addition to my story-that-is-not-a-real-story story…yes.

**Chapter 6: Day 6**

"I'm a little fairy flower, I've been dancing for twenty hours, can I stop?" Draco grumbled. He had been playing this insufferable game with the damned mudblood for ten minutes and he still didn't understand its bleeding purpose. She told him what to say, so he said it. Yet every time he got to the part where he requested to stop, she refused! What kind of asinine game was this!

Hermione smiled brightly. She'd had Malfoy playing this pointless game for ten minutes…she knew he wasn't the brightest, but _really_. Maybe she could get him to dance the tango with a fish in his shoe tomorrow. Oh well…"No!"

Draco glared. Wow…he hadn't expected that. I now remind you of my earlier complaint about not being able to properly express sarcasm on paper…or a monitor. You should be able to draw little rolling eyes or something. Oh! Oh! I know! From now on, (-.- ) ( -.- )> (>-.-)> this is my dancing sarcasm-creature. Okay, not really, I just think it's cute. (Or at least it would be cute if this blasted site didn't mutilate it. Each is supposed to have two arms, but apparently the > that are in the opposite direction won't show up on here.) Enough digression…continue. Through clenched teeth, Draco ground out, "I'm a little fairy flower, I've been dancing for twenty-one hours, for the love of god, can I stop?"

"…no."

Draco threw his arms up in surrender. "Bugger this! Potter, you play with her!"

"Hey!" Blast! Her clever ruse was foiled.

Harry walked over. "Okay. What do I do?"

Hermione sighed. "Say 'I'm a little—"

"Poofter…"

"Malfoy!"

He ignored her and continued."…that's been dancing is piss…"

"That's revolting!"

"…for however many times you've said the idiotic phrase, and then ask if you can kiss Snape," he concluded with a nod.

"That's so disturbing," Hermione grimaced.

"Seriously?" Harry asked with his usual confused countenance. (Ha…go me with the English vocabulary.) He shrugged and began without waiting for a reply. "Alright then…I'm a little—"

Hermione slapped her hand over his mouth ("Ow"). "Harry, no! Malfoy, you're such a prick!"

Draco gave her a lopsided grin…I'm tired of the word 'smirk'. "Such flattery will get you nowhere, Granger."

She rolled her eyes and pulled out a book. As you would expect, it was larger than Hagrid and had font only Superman could read. (Think _Hogwarts, A History Unabridged_). Of course, being Hermione, she was already halfway through it. This really isn't that important, I'm simply pointing out the fact that the damned girl reads too much and needs to get shagged.

Draco glanced at Hermione in disgust before turning to Harry. He quirked his head to the side and appeared to be thinking about something. After a few moments of silent staring between the two boys, Draco opened his mouth and spewed forth the heartrending line, "Have you ever seen dog privates?"

A resounding _rip_ was heard as Hermione twisted to face him, a page of her book still grasped in her hand. "WHAT!"

Harry thought about it for a moment ("Ow") before nodding. "Sure…hasn't everyone?"

Draco's eyes widened. This was just too perfect. "Ha! I now have solid proof that Wonder Boy is a pervert!"

Harry glared at him scathingly. "Well, they aren't exactly shy about it, Malfoy. And it wasn't on purpose! They do have to relieve themselves eventually, and they don't exactly warn a guy before they hike on his leg…"

"You should avert your eyes! It's only proper."

"He was peeing on me!" Harry whined. Draco silently thought that it was the cleverest dog in the world. It's intelligence it would rival Gra—Draco's train of thought, Draco's train of thought---it would rival him, as he was perfect in everyway and the mudblood couldn't beat him at that. Sure she had better _grades, _but really! What were grades anyways? They were just letters really. Most of them didn't even spell words. "A" now that was a word. "I" is a word as well, but the teachers don't seem to understand that. Longbottom should have gotten "I"'s on his paper, as they would stand for idiotic. Yes, idiot. Draco made a mental note to inform Snape of these thoughts, as well as the dog peeing on Harry. That was too good not to laugh about in the middle of potions.

"That's clearly not the point I am discussing."

Harry sighed; he clearly was not going to win this battle. "Fine…why did you ask in the first place?"

"Like I said, I was trying to test your…pervocity," Draco replied. Harry simply rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Hermione looked at the blonde in confusion. "That's not a w—"

"Don't care," he interrupted with a dismissive wave in her direction.

"You're weird."

"I'm aware."

They all sat in uncomfortable silence until it was yet again broken by Draco. "I want an anaconda for Christmas."

Harry's eye gave an involuntary twitch. "Why?"

However, he never received an answer, for at that moment Ron strolled into the room singing a jaunty tune. Ha…jaunty. "Doodee Yankle went to town riding on a broomstick—"Seeing the others staring at him, he paused. His gaze passed from one to other in confusion. "What?"

"Where have _you_ been?"

* * *

Yeah…just as I finished this, I realized that we had completely left out Ron, so I popped him in there. I shall probably eventually come up with some dazzling tail as to his whereabouts during this time period…possibly next chapter, but I'm not sure.

K, first I shall point out some of the inside jokes/things:

"I'm a little fairy flower, I've been dancing for twenty hours, can I stop?"

I'm not sure if this was a UK thing or not, but that's where I heard it. I figured our guide taught it to some of the girls. It's an extremely retarded 'game' where one person just says that over and over changing the numbers of times they've done it, but our guide was really cute, so they probably just did it to hear him say it in his British accent, which was kinda funny to hear. They did it for about three days while everyone was stuck on the same friggin' coach/bus…so very barf-worthy.

K, onward…

"Maybe she could get him to dance the tango with a fish in his shoe tomorrow."

Yeah…this was just taken from a strange conversation I had between another one of my friends on AIM. I believe I saved that particular conversation…a moment please…ahh, here it is: (you must understand that all of this is said in jest…none of it is serious, we're just strange, and he's in theatre, so he often slips into Shakespearean when he's joking.)

HIM: if thou sayest so, then thy bidding shall be done

HIM: what shall my first duty be my dainty glass-wearing master?

ME: find the formula for Nasonex

HIM: a moment please

ME: Jeopardy theme

ME: do do do do do do do

ME: do do do do doooo do do do do do

ME: do do do do do do do

ME: do do do do do...do...do

ME: BUM BUM

HIM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

ME: lmao

HIM: please master, i beg of you, not the gimp again

HIM: i swear, i will pleasure thee in many ways if thou dost reconsider

ME: ahh, yes...i know...bring a live chicken tomorrow, and dance the tango

ME: WITH...a fish in your shoe

HIM: damn fish

(Like I said…strangeness all around in my circle of friends.)

"Have you ever seen dog privates?"

As you hopefully read in the beginning of this whole thing, these conversations were put together during my biology class last year. This particular entry was written shortly after we had done a lab which involved crushing dog testicles, putting them in tiny tube-things, and spinning them around really _really_ fast in a nifty little spin-y machine to see if the solid and liquid parts would separate…which they did, if you were curious. Although that is probably slightly more information than I needed to divulge.

(I never realized how bizarre my life actually was until I realized that most of things in this story are actually things that have happened to me.)

Secondly, I would once again like to thank those of you who have reviewed. The world in my mind has gained a singing flamingo in your honor. If I get 25 reviews, I've opted to buy myself another one that dances.

I also thank Evelynn Michelle Malfoy for her thoughts on the grading system. I will now forever have the urge to point out the fact that my English teacher can't properly spell the word bee.


	8. Three Years Passed

**A/N**: So…nearly three years…wow. Yeah, I had actually forgotten about the existence of this fic until one of my friends randomly decided to read it again the other day (out of nostalgia or just utter boredom, I don't know). Deciding to do the same, I had some very bizarre memories force their way back into my mind, and I absolutely loved it, hehe. And only now do I realize how absolutely freakish my mind was (probably still is, but in new and exciting ways).

Anyway…I wandered around my computer and discovered that I had actually started putting together this next chapter when I apparently lost interest, or time, or whatever else causes one to abandon something. So, my friend convinced me to finish it and put it up, so here it is…hopefully my mind still has the ability to work like it did three years ago.

**Chapter 7: Day 7**

"Hey, Weasley never finished the song!" Draco complained to Hermione, who was predictably sitting on the floor in her knickers singing kumbaya while burning a bra. Or studying…whatever. Seeing that she was ignoring him, he glared and went to stand behind her. He leant over to her ear and started singing loudly. "…stuck a feather up his butt and called it…!"

"That's not how it goes!" Hermione shouted, turning to properly reprimand him and coming within inches of his face. They were merely a breath apart, staring into each other's eyes. As she sank into the depths of gray that encompassed her vision, she leaned toward him and…yeah, that's beyond wrong. I'm done.

Draco tilted his head in confusion. "No?"

"No!" Hermione huffed in annoyance.

"Oh…oh well," he said, plopping down in the chair next to her.

She glanced at him with a grimace before dropping her head into her hands and groaning, "Why me?"

"You must have killed someone in a past life," Draco offered.

"Oh, sure, that's it."

"…or God simply hates you," he added with a shrug.

"Gee, thanks."

Draco nodded. They sat for a few moments in silence. Well, Hermione was silently studying. Draco was singing 'Doodee Yankle' under his breath. As he was about to begin the fifth go-around, she sighed. "I'm trying to study." Draco paused, raised an eyebrow at her, and promptly resumed his singing. Hermione reared her hand back in frustration…

Draco, however, suddenly stopped singing and glanced around the room. "Where did Potty and Weasel go?"

Frozen mid-smack, Hermione glanced around the room. "Harry? Ron?"

Draco glared suspiciously at her raised hand. "My singing's not _that_ bad…"

Hermione's raised hand flew to cover his mouth. "Shut UP…I think I heard them."

"Help us…" Sure enough, that was Harry. Although it sounded as though he was eating his own sock, it was definitely Harry.

Draco turned to face the wall and rapped his fist on the nearest brick. "I think they're stuck in the sewage pipes…"

With a gasp Hermione flung herself to the wall. "Ow…Harry! Ron!"

"It was Myrtle!!" Ron shouted in the same muffled voice.

There was a _thump_ and a yelp before Harry's voice could be heard shouting, "No it wasn't, you stupid ponce!"

Draco turned to Hermione with a grin. "Hey, maybe we can blow a hole in the wall!"

"Explosions are fun!"

"Shut up, Ron!" Harry sounded slightly panicked.

Hermione decided to turn her attention more fully to Draco; she was sure that if she continued listening to the exchanges between Harry and Ron a few of her brain cells were going to die. "You could hurt them!"

Draco shrugged. "Well, that would only be a plus."

"We're not in the pipes, you pillock! We…" Harry shouted, but was cut short by Ron.

"I see a light…"

Draco's eyebrow shot up and a smirk appeared. "Maybe you're dead…go see what it is."

Hermione rolled her eyes and glared fiercely at…the wall. She was seriously wishing Harry's scar gave him x-ray vision along with the Voldie-vision. "If you two don't get in here, I'm going to become desperate for male companionship and kiss Draco!"

Draco jerked away from her in alarm. Then, seeing her determined look, he turned and began to pound his fists upon the wall. "Hurry your arses up!"

Various scraping and banging noises were accompanied by a shout of, "Hermione, NO!!!!!!!!"

"Get your arse outta my face, Ron!!"

Draco scowled. "Oh, brilliant…now I have _that_ lovely image in my head."

With a creak (or whatever random sound a stone ceiling would make), Ron came plummeting to the ground. "AUUGHH!!" Although this would have usually resulted in a massive head injury (I don't think he really needs another one), Draco was there to conveniently break his fall.

"Dammit! Geroff, you great nance!" Draco growled, trying to shove Ron's massive form off of himself.

Hermione, apparently ignoring Draco's distress, stared up through the hole in the ceiling. "Where's Harry?"

"He probably got sucked up Weasley's backside." With a final shove, Ron rolled into a nearby table, and Draco quickly stood. _Ugh, Weasley germs._

"Violent much?" Ron grumbled as he rubbed his most recent head wound. "Why do you never do anything nicely?"

"Because I choose to be a depressed angst-ridden teenager who can't confront my own inner demons, so I take it out verbally and physically on those around me," Draco replied with a smirk.

Ron rolled his eyes. "I would have settled for 'Because I hate you'."

Harry's voice once again sounded from a distance, "I think I've lost myself."

"Well, I'm not lookin' up there," Draco grimaced, pointing at Ron's rear. "You do it, Granger."

Ron covered his arse with wide eyes, "What?!?" He looked over his shoulder at his reflection in the mirror behind him. "Harry? Are you okay? Can you breathe?"

"If he can, not even magic can save him from that mental trauma," Draco said, prompting Hermione to smack him in the back of the head yet again. "Dammit! Would you stop doing that?"

"No."

"You're gonna give me a brain tumor."

"Sense my lack of sympathy?" Hermione deadpanned while Draco continued to glare at her, desperately wishing for her head to spontaneously combust.

The door suddenly swung open, and there stood Harry with a look of confusion that put all of his previous looks to shame. A rather impressive feat, seeing as he was an extremely confused boy as a general rule. "Huh…well that was a hell of a thing."

Ron spun around. "How'd you get out there? I didn't feel a thing!!!"

"I've no idea…" Taking in Ron's complete exclamation, Harry paused and turned to see Ron gripping his rear and beaming with absolute elation. "Wait…what?"

* * *

So…there it is…after three years on hiatus. Some cobwebs had to be shoved aside, and some alternate personalities had to be coaxed out of hiding, but overall I think it went decently…I might continue if I have any moments of boredom between classes and my newfound joy of video editing, if not for the simple entertainment of some friends then for the hope that I can retain my sense of useful insanity. 

Unfortunately, it's been so long now, I really can't recall the inside jokes that may or may not be in this anymore, haha. Along the same lines…I can't remember if anything in this entry was from something else, so I can't give credit if it is due. Draco's line about being an 'angst-ridden teenager' seems like it was from something else, but I honestly don't remember.

However, in reference to the end notes of the previous chapter, I only need two more reviews to get that dancing flamingo!! The singing one has probably been terribly lonely for the last three years…


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